Monthly Archives: July 2020

Looking for a Place to Fit

Looking for a Place to Fit

Sitting next to Jake’s bed as he lay dying, watching his fitful sleep, I noticed the framed sign on the wall near his bed in the adult foster home. It read: “When I was a kid, I prayed every night for a bicycle, but then I found out this isn’t the way God works. So then I stole one and asked Him for forgiveness.”

A hard life of drugs, alcohol, and rock-n-roll had taken its toll on Jake’s forty-something-year-old body. Contrary to the conventional wisdom, living fast and dying young doesn’t always leave a good-looking corpse. Nearly all of Jake’s teeth had rotted out, save the bicuspid on his upper right side. His abdomen was greatly distended (bloated) from terminal liver disease. And Jake was painfully afraid of death.

Jake had some sort of a Baptist background and had loved to play the drums. Years before, as a result of his addictions, Jake had deserted his wife and daughter. When I first met him, he told me that all he wanted was to see them again, to be given a last chance to “make things right.” Mercifully, his ex-wife and daughter did come to see him, brining along a newborn grandson whom Jake had never seen. It was a beautiful reunion with a lot of love and grace. Before they left, Jake’s family made a collage of family pictures and mounted it on the wall next to the framed sign. Jake was so proud of his family. He would lie for hours on his side, simply looking at the collage and delighting in the pictures of his grandson.

But now, weeks later, he was dying, and I was sitting there praying for him. Several times he woke up in pain. His care giver, Joe, and I repositioned him to ease his way. I moistened his lips and mouth with one of those pink sponge swabs soaked in water.
Looking at the pictures of his daughter and grandson, I thought of how much Jake had missed out on as he wandered the world looking for his place to fit. What if everything his thirsty soul had longed for was right there at home the whole time?

Earlier that morning, I’d read some lines from Antony the Great, the first of the desert fathers. “What must one do in order to please God? Pay attention to what I tell you. Whoever you may be, always have God before your eyes. Whatever you do, do according to the testimony of the Holy Scriptures. Wherever you live, do not easily leave it. Keep these three precepts, and you will be saved.”
We’re all looking for a place to fit. We’re all looking for a meta-narrative, a grand story that helps explain our lives, makes sense of our existence, and provides a source of meaning to our days. Often, we don’t need to travel to discover that story. I think that’s why St. Antony tells us that, if we find that place, we should not easily leave it.

I was still lost in these thoughts, when Joe the care giver’s two young daughters arrived home from school and went running down the hallway outside of Jake’s door fighting about something. I said a short benediction for Jake and bade him Godspeed.

As I pulled out of the driveway, I noticed in the rearview mirror two young Mormon missionaries cresting the hill behind me. Their starched white shirts and black ties were a sharp contrast to the gray overcast November sky behind them. Two more pilgrims searching for a place to fit, I thought. Aren’t we all? Aren’t we all …

 

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A Requiem for Rudy

Rudy was a devout atheist who regularly attended the First Presbyterian Church. Actually, that’s where we met, sort of. It’s not that Rudy was looking to convert from atheism—he just loved to sing, and being in the Presbyterian choir gave him a chance to share the beauty of his deep bass voice.

The pastor was out of town one Sunday and had asked me to preach for her. The next day Rudy knocked on my office door at the hospital. After a brief introduction I thought he had come because he had been captivated by the brilliance of my sermon. I soon discovered he was on a mission and this interview was a test.

During the sermon I had mentioned I was a hospice chaplain. Rudy had come to check out my views on advance directives and set me straight if I didn’t see things as he did. His wife had died after years of dementia and the toll it had taken on him and his children (both emotionally and financially) caring for her body long after her mind, memories, and anima had vacated was devastating. After retiring from a distinguished career of psychiatry, Rudy now spent his days working to help people plan for their death. He had experienced firsthand the importance of making your preferences known about the kind of medical care you would and would not want to have done if you could no longer communicate for yourself. I passed Rudy’s test.

He became a dear friend and mentor. Rudy was one of those rare individuals who seemed to have shed his ego and passionately enjoyed his living. Well into his nineties, he continued to learn, to read, to sing, to travel, and to enjoy his beloved partner. Rudy was simply alive while always having his dying in view.

The week before he died he called me to his home and asked if I would give the eulogy at his memorial service. After pointing out the incongruity of praising an atheist in a Presbyterian church—I humbly agreed. He chuckled and handed me a file folder containing what he wanted me to say. The folder contained the distilled data of his richly lived life: his resume, his accolades, and his distinguished achievements. All facts. But what was missing from the folder was the delight he exuded when learning new discoveries about how the brain works, the passion in his eyes as he shared his thoughts about living and dying, the joy on his face while singing in a choir. What was missing from the folder was the way he made you feel special when you were with him.

Early on in our relationship Rudy sent me a letter in which he quoted Johannes Brahms from one of the pieces he loved to sing, “The German Requiem.” Words Rudy’s life made very real –

“Lord, make me to know the measure of my days on earth,
to consider my frailty that I must perish.”

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Time to Talk about Dying – A Review

F. Grewe, Time to Talk about Dying: How Clergy and Chaplains Can Help Senior Adults Prepare for a Good Death. London and Philadelphia, PA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2018. Pp. 168. Pb. £18.99. ISBN 978-1-78592-805-5.

In most books, it becomes clear how far its writer knows the geography, the contours and the sense of direction in the field of study which they seek to open up for their reader. When it comes to the geography of death and dying, there are plenty of writers who offer maps for such a journey. The field is saturated with many fine guides. So a text which captures attention, reveals a wealth of grounded practice and has the potential to be used for spiritual and pastoral accompaniment, deserves commendation. This is a generative book, carefully written, well organised and rich in lived pastoral experience among those preparing for death. Its focus – enabling adults to enrich later age by considering what a good death might look like – is carried through in ten chapters. Fred Grewe invites his readers into a process of reflexivity which asks what we might want to leave behind for those who care about us and how we might be remembered after we die. In and through the exercises which have been tested with a wide range of individuals and groups, there is a commitment to affirming and celebrating what is precious and lasting in relationships. This is all done within an acknowledgement of the isolation, uncertainty, meaninglessness and pain of change, grief and loss. The chapters bear significant testimony to the author’s experience. The use of personal experience is appropriate and sensitive. There is a practical wisdom here which can be trusted as it is applied with honesty and insight. While acknowledging the cultural differences between the UK and the USA, much of the material in this book travels well. I can see it being put to good use in the training of pastors and ministers. It could form the basis of an innovative parish or community course in order to provide a safe framework within which we befriend the older stranger within us, living with boundedness and mortality. As the relationship between religion and its wider culture weakens in terms of both credibility and relevance, communities of faith would do well to explore where their strengths lie. What makes the life of those who believe distinctive, and how might theology be put to work for human flourishing? Those who teach theology would do well to explore how practical theology as opened up and explored in this book might be a force for the nurture of imagination in all our relationships but especially with our mortality. Enabling individuals and groups to create time to talk about dying could in and of itself be renewing for our understanding of religion and its practical application for our journey towards wholeness.
Sarum College, Salisbury, and University of Winchester James Woodward